The photo above of Maya and I (on day 107) was taken on a very difficult day for Maya and I. I actually handed Maya off to Frankie when he got home from work, got in the car and started driving imagining for just a tiny moment what it would be like to never come back. Going from working full time to being a full-time mummy was tough (and lonely as hell). The sleep deprivation was tough. The constant anxiety, worry and depression was tough. The weight gain was tough. The c-section and all the complications was tough. The endless nurturing and making myself available to the needs of a baby 24/7 was tough. Even the tiniest sniffle in Maya had me worried sick. I would imagine non existant ailments and stay up to check on her breathing. I remember days where I felt so sad and utterly lonely. When I shared my depression with someone dear to me they responded with "what the HELL do you have to be depressed about?".
I've come a long way. I am in disbelief reflecting/typing the words above because I feel like I'm talking about another person.
I dedicated myself to being happier and stronger and calmer every day. Meditation and a loving husband made all the difference. Maya blossoming away and being the tender loving soul that she is helped. My business growing and meeting people celebrating everything that is good about life, helped. Practicing self-love helped. And Izo's birth, man oh man, that pretty much was the rebirth of a newer happier kick-ass me.
Now the sleep deprivation is a-ok, I know it will pass. The endless nurturing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I love that my babies need me. When either one of the girls is having a tough day I can be there for them, instead of making it about me. I have a sense of humour and lightheartedness over the sheer insanity that is parenting. I am exactly the mama I always wanted to be. Just took me about 3.5 years after becoming a mama to get here.
Izo had a low grade fever and the sniffles for a few days. And I was able to take care of her and help her through it like a freaking pro. It was sad seeing her struggling to nurse but I was able to help clear her snot and get her to drink. I remember when Maya had her first fever and cold and struggled to drink, I was on death watch. I was convinced she was going to starve to death. I actually had a meltdown because I was convinced I had accidently caused her grave harm because....I forgot to shake the bottle of advil before administering a dose. lmao man..poor Maya's mama. I so wish I could go back in time and hug the shit out of her.
Mama's, take some time every day to bathe yourself in self love. To envision that you are actually doing a good job. To forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes. To surround yourself with people who will validate your struggle and help you. You are doing an exceptional job, you really truly are.
